Carol O

What I know about romantic relationships

I teach high school, and because of that I get my fair share of dating drama to observe. I have a few things about relationships I thought I could share. I am not a certified counselor of any kind, but I have been married for 35 years now, and it hasn’t always been a cakewalk. What follows is some of the wisdom I have acquired during that time.

It’s not always sunshine and roses

One of the keys to having a long term relationship, according to a therapist friend of mine, is, “You have to care enough to have the fights.” Yes, confrontation makes us uncomfortable, but if we don’t relieve relationship pressures through these small arguments, all of that pressure builds up until the only option available seems to be breaking up.

Communication is key

I know people talk about the importance of communication in relationships, but how many of us actually understand what effective communication is? I know we often hear the phrase, “Listen to understand, not to respond,” but society and media have us pretty well conditioned to just jump right in to a conversation with our own thoughts without first reflecting back what we think we just heard. Sometimes, it pays to slow down and really try to process what someone is trying to tell us and not just make assumptions that we know what the other person is feeling. Go figure, right?

Everyone needs some space

Infatuation is awesome, and we will always want to spend all of the time we can with the object of our desire. But balance in a relationship is a good thing. Yes, there are many things that we can enjoy doing together, but it is also good for us to develop our individual interests. My husband, for example, will never go to a yoga class, but he appreciates that I enjoy it and doesn’t begrudge me that time. I don’t enjoy hunting, but I have no problem if he and a buddy or two want to spend a few days in the mountains hunting for elk. We know that, at the end of the day, we have each other’s back, and that’s what is most important.

Everyone needs to spend some time together, too

As much as it is important to spend time cultivating our individual interests, we need to find some things to share, as well. My husband and I both enjoy listening to live music, playing board games, working on puzzles, and watching action movies. We also enjoy reading, a pursuit we engage in individually but together. We have many more common interests than it is possible to list here, but our favorite activity together is spending time at the end of the day to just talk it over and calm any racing thoughts about unresolved issues before we go to sleep.

It’s important to know your partner

Especially in a new relationship, part of the fun is getting to know things about the person you are getting involved with. (Hopefully, there are no unpleasant surprises!) As time goes by, that information comes in handy, and adding to that information becomes important. One of the tools my husband and I use is the book, The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. That really helped us work through some communication issues and informs how we work together. This point really ties back to the earlier one about communication, I suppose, but takes communication one step further in that you learn to understand how your partner will react to certain situations.

Everyone makes mistakes

This should go without saying, but people are, well, human, and sometimes we fuck up. Most of the time, it’s not a big deal – maybe somebody forgot to pay the cable bill and it got shut off temporarily. But sometimes, people embarrass their partner in public. Sometimes a partner will cheat on the other. Sometimes we can forgive our partners, even when they hurt us deeply. And sometimes the hurt is so deep that the relationship SHOULD end. The trick is knowing what to do in those situations. Honestly, my husband and I talked about some non-negotiables early on in our marriage. Basically, if one of us feels the need to start dating again, we should have the decency to divorce our partner before publicly humiliating them. The thing is, you need to be able to figure these things out as a couple, which, again, goes back to communication and caring enough to have the fight.

Hair mistakes are my most consistent behavioral trait

Relationships take work

In the book The Tools, by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels, there’s a line in Chapter 3 that reads, “Like children, we expect love to be effortless. Part of growing up spiritually is understanding that it takes work to be truly loving.” It is great to be in a solid, trusting relationship, because having someone you can be your authentic self around is pretty empowering. But. It. Takes. Work. You can’t get complacent. There are no two ways about it – having a long lasting relationship is signing on for some of the hardest work you will ever do. But it is so, so worth it.

So there’s my blog post for today. I hope you find some value in it. Please feel free to add your own comments below.

It ain’t over. You can help.

From the outset of the COVID-19 pandemic, I have been concerned about the lasting effects of the illness. My sister was one of the first cases in the Houston area, and she battled long Covid symptoms – including brain fog, shortness of breath, and fatigue – for many months after her infection and recovery.

I am very alarmed at the high rate of infection demonstrated by wastewater testing being reported by the CDC. New Mexico is one state where these rates are actually rated as very high. From that, the CDC has made an educated guess that infection rates are growing in New Mexico. I am including graphics from the CDC that demonstrate these findings.

Vanity Fair recently published an article that demonstrates the effectiveness of masking to dramatically reduce COVID-19 transmission if just 80% of people would wear masks when they are in crowded spaces. (https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2020/05/masks-covid-19-infections-would-plummet-new-study-says)

Other mitigations that help reduce disease transmission include the use of air filtration in enclosed spaces. For example, I use two Corsi Rosenthal boxes (homemade and proven as effective as HEPA filters) in my classroom, as well as two oscillating fans to encourage air circulation towards the filters. There is a recent study showing that the use of ceiling fans helps to reduce transmission of COVID-19 and other airborne illnesses. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9899686/)

Everyone’s risk assessment is going to be different. I try to be careful because I often interact with my elderly parents, but I am also in a classroom for most of the day with less than cautious high school students. This is why my classroom has filtered air, and why I wear a KN95 mask whenever other people are in my classroom, or when I am walking about my school. I also wear a mask while shopping, and when in other public spaces. While I do eat out in restaurants, I choose restaurants that have open air seating or ceiling fans to reduce my risk of exposure while I am unmasked and eating. I get a vaccine booster about every six months – because of my weight and other health conditions, I am considered high risk and can obtain those at no cost with my insurance.

There are many people who are also at high risk, but don’t have the advantage of knowledge or good health insurance to be able to identify and obtain the care they need if and when they are infected. By the most recent data available, the health effects of even a mild COVID-19 infection can include:

Fatigue, feeling tired
Weakness
Brain fog (problems concentrating or thinking)
Headaches
Tremor
Rapid or pounding heartbeat, feeling of skipped heartbeats (palpitations)
Dizziness upon standing
Symptoms that worsen after physical or mental activity (known as post-exertional malaise, PEM)
Gastrointestinal symptoms including stomach pain, diarrhea, and/or constipation
Loss of or change in smell and/or taste
Thirst (for instance, dry mouth)
Cough
Changes in comfort or capacity for sex and/or desire for sex
Chest pain, tightness, or pressure
Hearing problems, including hearing loss or ringing in the ears (tinnitus)
Shortness of breath
Muscle and/or joint pain
Back pain
Sleep apnea
Fever, sweats, and/or chills
Hair loss
Sleep problems, including insomnia
Bladder problems, including difficulty urinating or incontinence
Vision problems, such as blurry vision, sensitivity to light, floaters, flashing lights, or difficulty reading or focusing eyes
Depression
Anxiety
Swelling of the legs
Problems with teeth
Foot pain
Skin rash
Abnormal movements
Skin color changes (for instance, skin that is red, white, or purple)
Changes in menstrual cycle

(Source: yalemedicine.org)

“COVID-19 can damage multiple organs throughout the body, including the brain, heart, lungs, liver, and kidneys, among others. When this happens, it can increase the risk of the development of new medical conditions, including:

Diabetes
Kidney disease
Heart conditions
Neurological conditions
Blood clots
Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS), a condition in which the heart beats faster when standing up from a lying down position and can cause lightheadedness and fainting)”

(Source: yalemedicine.org)

There is even suspicion that COVID -19 is oncogenic. (https://fortune.com/2023/11/23/inside-long-covids-war-body-researchers-trying-find-out-virus-potential-cancer-carolyn-barber/)

All this to say, COVID-19 is not “just a cold.” It can, and has, caused life altering complications for thousands of people. We are already feeling the impact on our economy, and that will continue to grow unless we take even the simplest precautions – masking, air filtration, and vaccination. We can still make a difference in the lasting effects this ongoing pandemic is creating, and hopefully find solutions for the people already suffering from the disability inflicted by this terrible disease.

If nothing else, please wear a mask.

Can’t Drive 55

Growing up, the speed limit on the interstate was 55 miles per hour. It struck me that as I approach 55, I do not see it as a limit. In fact, I am freer than I have ever been.

As a middle child, I have always been a people pleaser. I think my parents definitely appreciated that as I was growing up, but as I continued to mature I learned that being a people pleaser in my marriage can mask resentment and other strong feelings. So my husband and I have worked hard to have more transparency with each other and to be a team, and not just say things we think the other wants to hear.

Being a people pleaser with kids can be asking for trouble when they’re little. But watching them grow and mature and realizing how much they were watching me helped me better understand how important it is to stand up for what is right, even if it’s a little uncomfortable at the time. So, in a way, my kids taught me how not to be a people pleaser, as I became an effective advocate for both myself and others. Thanks, kids!

Being a people pleaser at work generally engenders positive relationships with coworkers, but it’s also important to set boundaries. You can be pleasant to others but still say no. This is something I continue to work on.

Looking back as I anticipate exceeding the speed limit helps me to realize how far I’ve come, and how much more I have yet to do. Because now I realize, where I am going, there is no speed limit.

Life – still moving pretty fast

I was going to blog/journal my experiences during the initial coronavirus shutdown, but things started happening too fast. First, as I did blog about privately, my father wound up in the ICU for three days with blood clots in his leg. Then I was dealing with moving my face to face high school classes online for the remainder of the semester. After that got sorted (somewhat), on the morning of my 53^rd birthday, I was awakened by a phone call. One of my dearest friends awoke to find her husband dead that morning. This is not a sad story about how I spent my birthday, however. I am privileged to be considered a good enough friend to provide that kind of support to someone in need. I tell you these things to illustrate that we don’t always know what someone is going through.

Through all of this, I have also been grappling with what this virus means for me, my family, and my community. It’s hard on everyone, but much harder on some. So, please allow me to make the following observations:

Be gentle with one another. There’s an old proverb that says not to judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That’s really good advice right now. Don’t be an ass to service staff – some of them are literally putting their lives on the line so that you can have groceries or restaurant meals. Same goes for the people you are living with.
Don’t believe everything you read on social media. Social media has been weaponized by political forces for nefarious means – it is being used to sow misinformation and division. Fact check your sources, and especially fact check memes. Just because someone created a cute picture with a catchy phrase does not necessarily mean it is true. Also, some memes are just meant to be humorous. Laughter is good medicine for many conditions. It’s still ok to laugh at jokes.

Don't Believe Everything You Read On The Internet | Lincoln quotes ... — Listen to Abe

Tying to point 2, investigate the facts for yourself. Make sure that you can confirm information is valid by verifying it is published by two or more reputable sources. Peer reviewed papers are coming out on the coronavirus – at least read the abstracts of those. It pains me to say it, but journalists are no longer doing an adequate job of fact checking, so we need to take on this responsibility ourselves.
Strive to be constructive. If you disagree with someone, rather than insulting them, find some common ground first so you can move forward and discuss your differences civilly. This used to be common practice, but it’s becoming rarer these days.
Stand up for what is right. If you are not comfortable with direct confrontation when you see a wrong, find some way to document it so that others might address it. Be the change you wish to see in the world.

In the words of Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Even in this weird period of history, when time seems to be moving both too quickly and too slowly, take a minute to catch your breath. Examine your perspective. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Be well.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off Review | Movie - Empire — Make, and appreciate, good art

The First Week “Off”

On Thursday, March 12, 2020, Governor Michelle Lujan-Grisham of New Mexico issued an order to close all public schools in light of the COVID-19 pandemic. Myself and my students, looking forward to spring break in just a week anyhow, were a little stunned on Friday as we discussed the importance of social distancing, how to stay engaged over the three week projected break, and so forth.

Being an inveterate rule follower, I prepared myself and my family to remain at home for the next few weeks. I reasoned that it would be ok to keep previously booked medical appointments, but all other activities were off. I asked my daughter to move back home from her dorm room across town. I forbade my son to have sleepovers. And then the unthinkable happened.

My sister called on the morning of St. Patrick’s Day. (My sister, I might add, is a registered nurse in the Houston area, who is currently under quarantine for suspected coronavirus acquired through community spread.) “Dad is at Mountain View Hospital in the emergency room. We can’t let Mom go. Please go be with him.”

In my self-isolation uniform of leggings, sports bra, and a t-shirt, I was at the hospital within ten minutes, where my father was being assessed for a possible blood clot in his leg. Turns out it wasn’t just one clot, but several, and he was admitted to the ICU following an angiogram which determined the blockage was not going to budge at that time. In the ICU, he was hooked up to a drip of clot-busting medication overnight, and the next day another angiogram confirmed that this process was successful. He still had to remain in ICU one more night, because his blood was basically really watery water at that point.

In the ICU, I overheard a somewhat chilling remark from one of the nurses as I passed the nurse’s station. “They want to know exactly how many patients we already have on vents.” Even though my father was receiving excellent care from a wonderful group of thoughtful and caring professionals, I realized that this same group of people was preparing for a siege.

Thankfully, my father was released and safely home the next day. We have settled back into our self isolation lifestyle and are prepared to stay in our home as much as possible over the next few weeks.

But today, a week and a day after the Governor sent me home from work, the news came that we had been expecting. A confirmed case of coronavirus in my hometown.

The enemy is upon us. The siege is here.

Graduation

My oldest child has graduated from high school. I am so proud of her and all she has accomplished, in spite of adversity and setbacks that she encountered. Instead of letting them stop her in her tracks, she learned and grew from those experiences.

My daughter wondered why I didn’t cry when she graduated, because most of her friends’ moms have been weepy for months. I didn’t feel there was much to cry about. Here’s why:

Finishing high school is a win for our entire family. I alluded to challenges above. While it is her story to tell, we chose to move our daughter from her first high school and tried online schooling, a charter school, and finally public high school in order to get her to this finish line. There was plenty of second guessing on all of our parts, so our relief was palpable when she walked proudly across that stage.
My daughter and I have a great relationship. As she has matured and grown (and is now one month from being a legal adult), our relationship has evolved, as well. I am not mourning her leaving the nest, because I know that our relationship will continue to change, but will always have a solid foundation of love and trust. (Okay, except for that one time I lied to try to get her to fall asleep when she was two.)
My kid is ready for whatever life has to throw at her. Again, those challenges were like a refiner’s fire for my baby girl. She is much stronger and wiser than she would have been otherwise, and I am confident that she is ready to conquer the world.

So, no tears for this mama for now. I’m sure the first night she is actually moved out of the house I will probably get a little weepy and miss our nighttime rituals, but I’m happy that I have a happy, well adjusted young adult to spring on the world.

I am so proud of you, Sarah Jane. You are strong, smart, forgiving, compassionate, and amazing human being. Thank you for being such a wonderful child. I look forward to our adult relationship. I love you so very much.

Nuances of Language

American Cemetery, Normandy, France, June 14, 2016

Today is Memorial Day in the United States, and I am appalled by the number of people on social media who are wishing people a “happy” Memorial Day. Most seem to conflate it with Veteran’s Day, thanking members of the armed forces for their service. This misuse of language can be offensive to some, and, as an English teacher, the dumbing down of usage in general is concerning to me.

Memorial Day is not a “happy” holiday. While we might put up bunting and other patriotic decorations, we also fly the flag at half staff from dawn until noon to honor those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom.

What this points to, in my estimation, is a laziness of thinking. People conflate all patriotic holidays to an opportunity to thank service members (which we should do every day, btw), even though this particular holiday is a time to mourn and honor those who have been lost. Living service members do not want their fallen brethren to be given short shrift on this day. I would like my readers to remember that language usage is important.

Language is a powerful tool. It can do great harm if wielded poorly or inappropriately. It can also do a wealth of good when people take care with their words. Words have power. Let us use our words to lift others up, to enlighten them, to gently correct if needed. Let us not use our words to demean, defame, or offend, if it can be helped.

This Memorial Day, let us honor those who have died to defend our freedoms by using our freedom of speech to remember their sacrifice appropriately. I pray peace and comfort for all gold star families and the brothers and sisters in arms who have endured the loss of a comrade.

We will not forget.

Handle with Care!

First of all, and I cannot stress this enough, Facebook and other social media platforms have been weaponized to create division both at home and abroad. I will include a link to a report regarding this at the end of this post, but, trust me, there is more than one organization corroborating this conclusion.

That being said, I ask you to please be aware of what you share on social media. I don’t want you to go overboard with political correctness, but just think about what you share before you hit “post.” Yes, most of us now subscribe to the philosophy, “If you don’t agree, keep scrolling,” but I will posit to you that this still does not adequately address the division that can be exacerbated by social media.

Case in point. Last week was the anniversary of the Parkland massacre, where 14 students and 3 adults lost their lives in a senseless mass shooting in their school. I myself was recently subject to a lockdown at my school because someone had been spotted nearby with a gun. It was terrifying. Imagine how I felt on the eve of the Parkland anniversary when a friend of mine posted a video of someone expounding on the 2nd amendment and how, “They want to take our guns away.” It not only struck me as tone deaf, it made me realize how utterly divisive my carefully curated feed continues to be.

I cherish my friends – I think most of them are intelligent and thoughtful individuals – and it hurts my heart to see some of them unwittingly participating in this ongoing war, because it IS a war, to fracture our country along not just partisan lines, but also between vaxxers and anti-vaxxers, pro-life and pro-choice, pro-immigration and anti-immigration – the list goes on and on. I’m as human as the next person, sometimes I get lazy and post in haste, but I do try to go back and correct or clarify as needed.

I’m not saying that I’m better than anyone else – I have many friends much more assiduous than I in policing their posts. But I think if we all work together, we can make social media a pleasant place to be again, instead of an insidious battlefield controlled by malicious actors who are not friends to us or our country.

I’m trying to post a lot more dog pictures and recipes, and good news stories when I come across them. I’m going to try to limit my more controversial material to these blog posts, once a week or so, in order to try and restore harmony to my own feed. I hope you’ll join me in trying to make Facebook, and other social media sites, a better place.

PS – I cannot guarantee that I will not rant about particularly boneheaded actions taken by the current administration or Congress. But I’ll try to keep it to a minimum.

Here’s that link I promised: https://www.rand.org/news/press/2018/04/12.html

Have a great week!

Senior recognition

In a story for another day, we made the decision as a family to move our children from the school they had been attending since first grade to different schools. Yesterday was the day my daughter’s former basketball team had their senior recognition day, which we attended since these are young women who have been part of our lives for over a decade.

As part of senior recognition, parents write a brief statement – 150 words or fewer – and read it to their child in front of the audience in the gym. It broke my heart not to read it to my daughter there, so I will share it here:

Trying to summarize what an amazing human being your child is seems akin to trying to keep lightning in a bottle. My precious daughter, you are everything a parent could ask for and more. You are caring, compassionate, and forgiving. You are resilient. your moral conviction is an example to us all, and your strength is greater than even you realize. When your father and I look at you, and the person you are becoming, we are amazed that a couple of marginally competent parents could have produced such a breathtakingly lovely human being, inside and out. We love you, and are so, so proud of you. We can’t wait to see what the future holds for you. Your senior year in high school might not be all you thought it would be, but you are more of a blessing to your family and others than we ever dreamed you would be.

Ever Been so Frustrated You Started a Blog?

The current national malaise has seeped into all of my social media save Instagram, although, if reports are to be believed, some of that malaise might have originated there through Russian troll farm posts. So, here you will find my forays into deeper thoughts on the issues of the day, as well as brilliantly witty things my children say, an occasional recipe, and probably numerous musings on why I don’t drink more. Also, since I am unhealthily obsessed with politics, you’ll probably find a bit about that here, too.

WordPress freaked me out here by prewriting my initial blog post, but I think I’m going to keep the quote and stock photo that was automatically uploaded, because they’re kinda cool.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton