Category: Aging gracefully

What I know about romantic relationships

I teach high school, and because of that I get my fair share of dating drama to observe. I have a few things about relationships I thought I could share. I am not a certified counselor of any kind, but I have been married for 35 years now, and it hasn’t always been a cakewalk. What follows is some of the wisdom I have acquired during that time.

The author and her husband

It’s not always sunshine and roses

One of the keys to having a long term relationship, according to a therapist friend of mine, is, “You have to care enough to have the fights.” Yes, confrontation makes us uncomfortable, but if we don’t relieve relationship pressures through these small arguments, all of that pressure builds up until the only option available seems to be breaking up.

My rambunctious roses

Communication is key

I know people talk about the importance of communication in relationships, but how many of us actually understand what effective communication is? I know we often hear the phrase, “Listen to understand, not to respond,” but society and media have us pretty well conditioned to just jump right in to a conversation with our own thoughts without first reflecting back what we think we just heard. Sometimes, it pays to slow down and really try to process what someone is trying to tell us and not just make assumptions that we know what the other person is feeling. Go figure, right?

Good advice

Everyone needs some space

Infatuation is awesome, and we will always want to spend all of the time we can with the object of our desire. But balance in a relationship is a good thing. Yes, there are many things that we can enjoy doing together, but it is also good for us to develop our individual interests. My husband, for example, will never go to a yoga class, but he appreciates that I enjoy it and doesn’t begrudge me that time. I don’t enjoy hunting, but I have no problem if he and a buddy or two want to spend a few days in the mountains hunting for elk. We know that, at the end of the day, we have each other’s back, and that’s what is most important.

Wide open spaces of northern New Mexico

Everyone needs to spend some time together, too

As much as it is important to spend time cultivating our individual interests, we need to find some things to share, as well. My husband and I both enjoy listening to live music, playing board games, working on puzzles, and watching action movies. We also enjoy reading, a pursuit we engage in individually but together. We have many more common interests than it is possible to list here, but our favorite activity together is spending time at the end of the day to just talk it over and calm any racing thoughts about unresolved issues before we go to sleep.

Family time is important, too!

It’s important to know your partner

Especially in a new relationship, part of the fun is getting to know things about the person you are getting involved with. (Hopefully, there are no unpleasant surprises!) As time goes by, that information comes in handy, and adding to that information becomes important. One of the tools my husband and I use is the book, The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. That really helped us work through some communication issues and informs how we work together. This point really ties back to the earlier one about communication, I suppose, but takes communication one step further in that you learn to understand how your partner will react to certain situations.

He’s kind of silly 💕

Everyone makes mistakes

This should go without saying, but people are, well, human, and sometimes we fuck up. Most of the time, it’s not a big deal – maybe somebody forgot to pay the cable bill and it got shut off temporarily. But sometimes, people embarrass their partner in public. Sometimes a partner will cheat on the other. Sometimes we can forgive our partners, even when they hurt us deeply. And sometimes the hurt is so deep that the relationship SHOULD end. The trick is knowing what to do in those situations. Honestly, my husband and I talked about some non-negotiables early on in our marriage. Basically, if one of us feels the need to start dating again, we should have the decency to divorce our partner before publicly humiliating them. The thing is, you need to be able to figure these things out as a couple, which, again, goes back to communication and caring enough to have the fight.

Hair mistakes are my most consistent behavioral trait

Relationships take work

In the book The Tools, by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels, there’s a line in Chapter 3 that reads, “Like children, we expect love to be effortless. Part of growing up spiritually is understanding that it takes work to be truly loving.” It is great to be in a solid, trusting relationship, because having someone you can be your authentic self around is pretty empowering. But. It. Takes. Work. You can’t get complacent. There are no two ways about it – having a long lasting relationship is signing on for some of the hardest work you will ever do. But it is so, so worth it.

So there’s my blog post for today. I hope you find some value in it. Please feel free to add your own comments below.

Still crazy after all these years

Can’t Drive 55

Growing up, the speed limit on the interstate was 55 miles per hour. It struck me that as I approach 55, I do not see it as a limit. In fact, I am freer than I have ever been.

As a middle child, I have always been a people pleaser. I think my parents definitely appreciated that as I was growing up, but as I continued to mature I learned that being a people pleaser in my marriage can mask resentment and other strong feelings. So my husband and I have worked hard to have more transparency with each other and to be a team, and not just say things we think the other wants to hear.

Being a people pleaser with kids can be asking for trouble when they’re little. But watching them grow and mature and realizing how much they were watching me helped me better understand how important it is to stand up for what is right, even if it’s a little uncomfortable at the time. So, in a way, my kids taught me how not to be a people pleaser, as I became an effective advocate for both myself and others. Thanks, kids!

Being a people pleaser at work generally engenders positive relationships with coworkers, but it’s also important to set boundaries. You can be pleasant to others but still say no. This is something I continue to work on.

Looking back as I anticipate exceeding the speed limit helps me to realize how far I’ve come, and how much more I have yet to do. Because now I realize, where I am going, there is no speed limit.