life advice – Master of None

What I know about romantic relationships

I teach high school, and because of that I get my fair share of dating drama to observe. I have a few things about relationships I thought I could share. I am not a certified counselor of any kind, but I have been married for 35 years now, and it hasn’t always been a cakewalk. What follows is some of the wisdom I have acquired during that time.

It’s not always sunshine and roses

One of the keys to having a long term relationship, according to a therapist friend of mine, is, “You have to care enough to have the fights.” Yes, confrontation makes us uncomfortable, but if we don’t relieve relationship pressures through these small arguments, all of that pressure builds up until the only option available seems to be breaking up.

Communication is key

I know people talk about the importance of communication in relationships, but how many of us actually understand what effective communication is? I know we often hear the phrase, “Listen to understand, not to respond,” but society and media have us pretty well conditioned to just jump right in to a conversation with our own thoughts without first reflecting back what we think we just heard. Sometimes, it pays to slow down and really try to process what someone is trying to tell us and not just make assumptions that we know what the other person is feeling. Go figure, right?

Everyone needs some space

Infatuation is awesome, and we will always want to spend all of the time we can with the object of our desire. But balance in a relationship is a good thing. Yes, there are many things that we can enjoy doing together, but it is also good for us to develop our individual interests. My husband, for example, will never go to a yoga class, but he appreciates that I enjoy it and doesn’t begrudge me that time. I don’t enjoy hunting, but I have no problem if he and a buddy or two want to spend a few days in the mountains hunting for elk. We know that, at the end of the day, we have each other’s back, and that’s what is most important.

Everyone needs to spend some time together, too

As much as it is important to spend time cultivating our individual interests, we need to find some things to share, as well. My husband and I both enjoy listening to live music, playing board games, working on puzzles, and watching action movies. We also enjoy reading, a pursuit we engage in individually but together. We have many more common interests than it is possible to list here, but our favorite activity together is spending time at the end of the day to just talk it over and calm any racing thoughts about unresolved issues before we go to sleep.

It’s important to know your partner

Especially in a new relationship, part of the fun is getting to know things about the person you are getting involved with. (Hopefully, there are no unpleasant surprises!) As time goes by, that information comes in handy, and adding to that information becomes important. One of the tools my husband and I use is the book, The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. That really helped us work through some communication issues and informs how we work together. This point really ties back to the earlier one about communication, I suppose, but takes communication one step further in that you learn to understand how your partner will react to certain situations.

Everyone makes mistakes

This should go without saying, but people are, well, human, and sometimes we fuck up. Most of the time, it’s not a big deal – maybe somebody forgot to pay the cable bill and it got shut off temporarily. But sometimes, people embarrass their partner in public. Sometimes a partner will cheat on the other. Sometimes we can forgive our partners, even when they hurt us deeply. And sometimes the hurt is so deep that the relationship SHOULD end. The trick is knowing what to do in those situations. Honestly, my husband and I talked about some non-negotiables early on in our marriage. Basically, if one of us feels the need to start dating again, we should have the decency to divorce our partner before publicly humiliating them. The thing is, you need to be able to figure these things out as a couple, which, again, goes back to communication and caring enough to have the fight.

Hair mistakes are my most consistent behavioral trait

Relationships take work

In the book The Tools, by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels, there’s a line in Chapter 3 that reads, “Like children, we expect love to be effortless. Part of growing up spiritually is understanding that it takes work to be truly loving.” It is great to be in a solid, trusting relationship, because having someone you can be your authentic self around is pretty empowering. But. It. Takes. Work. You can’t get complacent. There are no two ways about it – having a long lasting relationship is signing on for some of the hardest work you will ever do. But it is so, so worth it.

So there’s my blog post for today. I hope you find some value in it. Please feel free to add your own comments below.

Can’t Drive 55

Growing up, the speed limit on the interstate was 55 miles per hour. It struck me that as I approach 55, I do not see it as a limit. In fact, I am freer than I have ever been.

As a middle child, I have always been a people pleaser. I think my parents definitely appreciated that as I was growing up, but as I continued to mature I learned that being a people pleaser in my marriage can mask resentment and other strong feelings. So my husband and I have worked hard to have more transparency with each other and to be a team, and not just say things we think the other wants to hear.

Being a people pleaser with kids can be asking for trouble when they’re little. But watching them grow and mature and realizing how much they were watching me helped me better understand how important it is to stand up for what is right, even if it’s a little uncomfortable at the time. So, in a way, my kids taught me how not to be a people pleaser, as I became an effective advocate for both myself and others. Thanks, kids!

Being a people pleaser at work generally engenders positive relationships with coworkers, but it’s also important to set boundaries. You can be pleasant to others but still say no. This is something I continue to work on.

Looking back as I anticipate exceeding the speed limit helps me to realize how far I’ve come, and how much more I have yet to do. Because now I realize, where I am going, there is no speed limit.

Life – still moving pretty fast

I was going to blog/journal my experiences during the initial coronavirus shutdown, but things started happening too fast. First, as I did blog about privately, my father wound up in the ICU for three days with blood clots in his leg. Then I was dealing with moving my face to face high school classes online for the remainder of the semester. After that got sorted (somewhat), on the morning of my 53^rd birthday, I was awakened by a phone call. One of my dearest friends awoke to find her husband dead that morning. This is not a sad story about how I spent my birthday, however. I am privileged to be considered a good enough friend to provide that kind of support to someone in need. I tell you these things to illustrate that we don’t always know what someone is going through.

Through all of this, I have also been grappling with what this virus means for me, my family, and my community. It’s hard on everyone, but much harder on some. So, please allow me to make the following observations:

Be gentle with one another. There’s an old proverb that says not to judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That’s really good advice right now. Don’t be an ass to service staff – some of them are literally putting their lives on the line so that you can have groceries or restaurant meals. Same goes for the people you are living with.
Don’t believe everything you read on social media. Social media has been weaponized by political forces for nefarious means – it is being used to sow misinformation and division. Fact check your sources, and especially fact check memes. Just because someone created a cute picture with a catchy phrase does not necessarily mean it is true. Also, some memes are just meant to be humorous. Laughter is good medicine for many conditions. It’s still ok to laugh at jokes.

Don't Believe Everything You Read On The Internet | Lincoln quotes ... — Listen to Abe

Tying to point 2, investigate the facts for yourself. Make sure that you can confirm information is valid by verifying it is published by two or more reputable sources. Peer reviewed papers are coming out on the coronavirus – at least read the abstracts of those. It pains me to say it, but journalists are no longer doing an adequate job of fact checking, so we need to take on this responsibility ourselves.
Strive to be constructive. If you disagree with someone, rather than insulting them, find some common ground first so you can move forward and discuss your differences civilly. This used to be common practice, but it’s becoming rarer these days.
Stand up for what is right. If you are not comfortable with direct confrontation when you see a wrong, find some way to document it so that others might address it. Be the change you wish to see in the world.

In the words of Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Even in this weird period of history, when time seems to be moving both too quickly and too slowly, take a minute to catch your breath. Examine your perspective. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Be well.